Despressed

Hi world.
Yes, Hi.
I just need an ear or whatever for me to express my sadness.
I'm having a very tough time.
I couldn't sleep well everynight.
Falling to bed is a tough case for me.
But, that's the only way for me to peace my mind.
My mind is like a tornado.
Things are flying around and around.

Love,Friendship. These are things that were bothering me.
At first, I thought this year was gonna be a blast.
But nope. Im having a hard time . Its my UEC year and these things are bothering me.
Adults are right, never let love intrude your studies. They distract you,hurt you,annoy you.
Fuck.
I was always trying to put a smile on my face to hide my emotions. No one likes to see a sad and grumpy face.

So, at first I thought this year was gonna be the highlight of my highschool life.
A beautiful girl sat beside me, guide me in studies. Everything was fine.
We chat alot. Soon, I knew almost everything about her. At that time, I clarified myself as an important friend of her's. Because I'm her listener when she's having a tough time in her relationship.
Yes.
She's in a relationship, this was the wall that prevent us to the next level, couples.
I liked this wall, because with it, we're gonna stay as best friend.
That time, a best female friend was something I wanted for a long time.
Females are great listeners(well better than men). They are smarter too.
They give you tips to hook girls, tell you what girls really need etc.
I very appreciate this friend. She guided me alot of things, we shared alot of things.
She brought happiness to me. really.

The reason we get along so well is because I'm chasing her best friend.
And she's helping me getting infos, comfort me when I fell in despair.
Her best friend is a tough one.
well, tough in another way.
She's cute,beautiful,gorgeous.kind.
We texted each other.
Things were fine, its just we're somehow awkward in school
Oh and, her reply time sucks.
1 week once. pretty sucks.
Not only that. she rather reply another guy than me.
the smart one, the No.1
well fuck him seriously.
There's lot more about him later.

And yes, my best female friend, she's there whenever i fell in despair.
Comforting me, cheering me up.
And soon, she shared her relationship stuff with me also.
Well, she's in a weird position too.
She wanted to break up but the guy doesn't wanted.
The guy cried, She took back her words.
Tsk tsk, She even said she will break with him by September.
We'll see.
Why I put myself in an important position inside her? because I knew things other people doesn't
Her bestfriend doesn't know too. Only me. :) (for now)
Oh yeah, that bastard text with her too. once again, fuck him.

Ignorance breaks people's heart. very much.
My feelings towards her bestfriend was up and down.
sometimes I told my best female friend:"I fell out with her, no feelings.'
But the other day her best friend texted me back, the feeling was  back.
It's like a roller coaster ride. driving me up and down.

Well Me and my best female friend text alot too. She reply fast and I enjoy it.
I even enjoy texting with her instead of her bestfriend.
Ask me if both texted me who will I text back first? My beloved female bestfriend.
However, she has a boyfriend. she couldn't text with me all night. That's alright.

Time flies, love started to flew up.
The wall was not the wall it used to be.
To be honest,I'm the one who pushed her to break up with her boyfriend.
If she never knew me, she wouldn't have this kind of mindset.
It's me . Because I think that she deserve someone better( I didn't think about myself that time) At first, I keep denying this. I don't wanna fell in love with my bestfriend. No.
But love is unstoppable, it just came suddenly.
jealousy is the main factor. She's the type of girls who can get along well with boys.
And that motherfucker bastard smart ass is one of her best friend. fuck him(again)

Let's talk about that bastard. I'll say He love to hook on girls. He definitely hooked on every pretties in my class. what an asshole.
He texted with like 4 girls everyday, include my best female friend and her bestfriend.
Me and him used to be bestfriends. but these love has broken us apart. we're still friends now, but not that good. I mean fake.
I asked my best female friend don't you think his act is so stupid and asshole-like?
She agreed . BUT WHY THE FUCK YOU GET HOOKED ON BY HIM SO HAPPILY.

and soon, they went to tution together. And I'll guarentee he tried to hook on her again.
Fuck him. fucking asshole.

Back to her, My feelings towards my best female friend wasn't that strong at first. That time I thought it's just that I cared her alot. But it's not, I understand it deep inside my heart.

In her mind? Im just a listener and a best friend to her I guess. Imagine your bestfriend who always be your listener suddenly  confess to you. Even worse, you only clarified him as a friend.
This will definitely end the friendship. I knew she would. because I knew her.
The jealousy roses everyday. and It started to bother me.
I have no one to talk to, my dog passed away, family is not an option, my friends mouth are not zipped.
Its tough, all you can do was swallow them all by yourself.

My friends did suspect me did I liked her, but my answer were always nope, we're just friends.
They trusted. because they understand there's a wall.
They even said if she's single , go after her no matter what.
I'll try.
tough process though.

The love keeps getting stronger and stronger. It's holiday and my head was all about her .
We texted but I always felt she's texting with other boy( exclude her boyfriend）
Yes, that bastard.
There's one day she asked me do I wanted to go out with her bestfriend.
I said no.
Because it's the bastard who asked her bestfriend for outing. She still thinks that I'm falling for her best friend.

I was furious, not because of her best friend. it's because she's going out with him.  Since then we did not chat for few days. those days were dark as fuck. I was lonely and emotional. I thought she would find me, but no. I didn't know what happen.

Then, I couldn't stand it. I find her initiatively. She replied enthusiastically. I was happy. She even said she will find me later. But later is never later.
She did not find me.
Then I realised I was only a normal friend to her.

I knew I have to move on, so I texted her as usual times despite being hurt.
Things were good. good...
2nd week of holiday, we  had some holiday camps that we had to go back to school.
That bastard was sitting behind of her bestfriend. I don't care at all. since this is what an asshole does.
2nd day is tough as fuck. I came late and I had no choice to sit behind that asshole. in another words,I HAVE TO SEE HOW AN ASSHOLE HOOK ON GIRLS INFRONT OF ME.

son of a bitch.

My so called best female friend even asked him for movie planning etc(She didn't ask me though). I was angry as fuck. Seconds, I feel like throwing my RM75 nike bottle towards them. yes them.

I was always trying to put on an I-don't-give-a-fuck face all the time. trying to hide my feelings. tough as fuck I'll say.
You have to smile even you're hurt.
I felt betrayed, or even dumped. Watching your best friend going along very well with others, you just felt dumped.
And she's not even just a best friend to me. ):

More to go. this pushed to speak all out. Thursday, 11st June 2015. I head back to school for basketball tournament. After that, that bastard went to eat with girls without inviting us, me and some friends that used to eat together. Hey, look, as usual, this bastard will ask us what do we do later. BUT FUCK NO. HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK US. WHAT A BASTARD FOR LIFE.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME.

MAY 14ST. MY SO CALLED BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY.
MY CLASSMATES SECRETLY PLANNED A SURPRISE FOR HER.
GUESS WHAT.
I WAS THE LAST TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT PLAN.
REASON?THE OTHERS THOUGHT I ALREADY KNEW ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT BASTARD ALREADY TOLD ME.
BUT FUCK NO.
HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME.
AND HE EVEN PRETENDED TO ASK ME ON MAY 14ST
SON OF A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER.

Okay fucks fine. So later the girls asked were we coming anot. we refused. Because WE couldn't stand the asshole-like of that asshole.
Instead, we went to eat some cheaper food and had a men-talk.
We, 3 teenage boys, splitted everything out. I felt so good.
I finally get someone to talk to, splitted everything inside my mind.
And guess what? I  found out something from the others.

One of them, said on 10th June 2015, the day after the camp and we went to had some japanese food. After our meal, X(lets call my friend X) peeked at that bastard's phone.
HE WAS CHATTING WITH MY SO CALLED BEST FRIEND.
But hey nevermind.
Problem is, he's asking about how's her bestfriend, where is she etc.
You must be thinking I'm jealous, but nope.
THE PROBLEM IS, THIS SIGNIFIES THEIR FRIENDSHIP AS GONE TO ANOTHER LEVEL.
HEART-TO-HEART TALK.
I felt betrayed. really betrayed. I once asked her to check on was he chasing after her bestfriend, she promised and will help me.
Right now, she knew that that bastard is chasing after her, BUT NOT TELLING ME?
WHAT AM I NOW? A FUCKING RETARDED BALL?

I haven told her that I've lost interest to her bestfriend.
But now she seems like she's changed.
Our topics were so bored.
Unlike the old days, when we have endless topics.
She's changed.
motherfucking changed.

After that men talk, we decided to go to the same shopping mall the bastard went to watch movie.
The main reason is to spy them.
I suspected he asked my so called bestfriend and her bestfriend to go too.
Never knew I'll become such paranoid and overthinking person. this is killing me.
Turn out he only went with the 2 girls. okay.

I went back home and texted my so called best friend.
 I said..'I heard something today, but we'll talk about it on open school.'
she,'About what'
Me,'You're hiding something from me right?'
She,'what?'
Me,'We'll talk about it at school'

Conversation ended.

This is it. the so called best friend.

8.12pm 12/6/15. I'm still waiting for her reply. She didn't. Her last seen on whatsapp was a moment ago.
She only chatted 2 person with whatsapp.
me, and that bastard.
you got it, she rather chat with that bastard but not me.
fuck everything.

I don't even know what should I say when we met on school.
Should i just split everything and scold the fuck out?
I don't know.
I don't think I can sleep well today.
or you can say for the following days until open school.
I actually hope we're not that close, so I won't even give a single fucking shit to her.
fuck myself.
fuck you.
fuck everything.

Mum and Dad if you saw this please don't try to comfort me, I'll settle myself. and I WON'T SUICIDE ON THESE THINGS. SO NO WORRY.

Expressing vulgar is one of my way to express anger. Don't mind it.

Lastly, I pray to god that everything will turn out fine.

fuck you bastard.
fuck me
fuck everything.

peace.